When you have a new baby or you have toddlers or little kids or any combination of tiny humans at home, it is a season full of joy and fun and excitement and newness but it can also be really really hard. But that season has no small number of challenges and you just have so many needs yourself and you are meeting the many needs of your kids too. You are trying to keep the house running and taking care of little ones and pouring out so much of yourself every single day. And one of the things that I experienced as a new young mom was that people really did want to help me.
I had my babies in three different states and so when I first became a mom, I had lots of family and friends around. And then when I had my next two babies, I lived out in the Midwest and had both of them in the dead of winter, and had barely any friends at all. For my last two kids, we moved to North Carolina where my sister lives, and so I had her and her community of friends when I had my fourth son and then when I had my daughter, my fifth baby, I had made friends of my own again, and life felt much more like it did back in Baltimore. It had all kind of come full circle.
In each of those different states, which were all different seasons of motherhood for me, people really did want to help. My family that lived far away when I lived out in Michigan, they wanted to help. My new friends in Michigan that really didn’t know me well at all, they wanted to help me. And when we moved here to Raleigh and I had made friends of my own, and was having my last baby, those friends, PLUS my family and friends that were now in all different places, all over the country, they wanted to help me too!
One of the things that I can look back on now, and see with a lot of clarity is how helpful, like truly helpful, some things were when I was a new and young mom, and really did need help and support, and how other things, even good intentioned things, we’re really not helpful to me at all.
Do you remember how much you loved a home-cooked meal when you were in college?
Oh man, do I ever.
My now mother-in-law cooked a killer Sunday dinner every Sunday afternoon and there was gonna have to be something MAJOR going on if I was gonna miss heading up to her house with my boyfriend, who is now my husband, for that meal. My now in-laws lived about 40 min north of our college campus and that drive felt like nothing compared to the amazing meals we had there on sunday afternoons. Many weeks, a big ol’ pile of us, all college kids who’d been eating in the dining hall all week, headed up there because my in laws invited ANY of us who wanted to come and we were desperate for some good food.
I wish I had photos of all of us as we sat down to that table full of home-cooked food. We were like kids in a candy store. We were so giddy to have dinner there.
That meal, that amazing Sunday afternoon meal, was like love on a plate. After eating at the dining hall or student union all week, a platter of roast beef and a big, heaping bowl of homemade mashed potatoes felt like something sent straight from heaven.
I know we tried to express it to her, but I don’t think my mother-in-law knew how much that meal meant to us every week. She loved cooking it. It was not really a big deal to her, as she would always tell us, because she’d been making Sunday dinner for her family for years, but we knew it took time and money and we just loved her for it. And to us college kids, it was about the best thing ever.
Then I became a mother. Five times over. And my life was so different than it was back then when I was in college and my life was my own. But in some ways, it was similar. I didn’t eat at a dining hall anymore. Instead, I was eating the crusts I’d cut off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch many days. I was no longer up late studying for exams, but I was up changing sheets or cleaning up throw-up or soothing crying littles from nightmares.
As a young mom having babies, I was SO tired.
I was SO weary.
And I was SO very busy.
Just like I chose to go to college, I chose to have my family. I had chosen the good and the hard things that come with having babies and toddlers and a bunch of little kids. So it wasn’t that I wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. But just like my mother-in-law saw us and invited us to dinner and loved us so well through that Sunday meal, being loved and seen like that as a young mom is so special.
When I was a young mom, I was on the receiving end of some amazing help and incredible small kindnesses and I have NEVER forgotten them. There were some things that people did for me that were absolutely LIFEGIVING to me.
Most, if not all, of us know a young mom. Well, a mother with young children – even if she isn’t so young anymore. This particular season when you have tiny little ones in your house, this stage of life requires a daily emotional, mental, and physical pouring out of yourself to others. It’s a precious, but taxing calling. And, it isn’t easy. If you are one of those young moms listening right now, I remember. I remember how hard it was and how exhausted I was. And I remember how small kindnesses to me were EVERYTHING some days.
I have SO much more bandwidth now, and to the young mamas listening, you will one day again too! I promise you will. I remember though, even in my young mom days wanting to help care for my friends that were in it with me, all of us buried under a pile of our own children, all of us so drained and so busy – and I often felt like I couldn’t help them – even though I wanted to. We were in it together, and I remember all of us running around trying to help each other in any ways we could think of, but in that stage, it was so often all ANY of us could do to take care of our own little ones at home.
If you are in a different stage of life – you are single, your children are grown, you’re a young married couple, or you’re in college – you may know some young moms in your life (friends, people in your small group, at church, neighbors, your college friends) and have never thought you could do anything to help them or wondered WHAT might actually be helpful.
THIS podcast today is for you!
Maybe you really do want to help, but you just don’t know how.
Well, I’m about to tell you very specifically how you can do that.
When I was in the trenches of young motherhood, I sat down one day and gave some thought to how I might feel most blessed if someone wanted to love and help me – but wasn’t sure how. I wrote down everything I could think of. I wrote down the VERY best things anyone ever did for me. The things that were so practical and helpful. And now today, over a decade later, I want to share some of those ideas with you. I’ve updated this list for 2023, but MUCH of it is the same! This is for you young moms listening today who want to help your friends. And this is for singles, couples, grandparents, older friends, adopted aunts and uncles, babysitters – for anyone who is looking for meaningful ways to love and care for a young mom.
Let me say this: Some seemingly obvious ideas are very, very bad. What you might think would help and encourage a young Mom might actually really be a burden to her. And, what you may never have thought of could be the best Sunday dinner she’s ever had.
So, how can you practically and intentionally love and care for a young mom, one with a newborn or babies and toddlers and little ones running around everywhere?
What if you have time, but no money? What if you have money, but no time? What if you want to be hands on? What if kid germs scare the bajeebies out of you and you want to be 100% hands off? What if you don’t want to be weird because you don’t know her very well but you really want to help? What if you live across the country from her?
Here are:
10 Practical Ways To Love A Young Mom.
1. Send her a coffee gift card. THIS is what I always wanted most. Back when I was a young mom, most coffee shops didn’t even HAVE drive-thrus or curbside pickup. AND, there was no way to send a digital gift card via text. Today? You can send a digital gift card in less than 30 seconds, a mama can order a coffee on her phone, load her pajama clad babies in the car, and pick up a hot coffee – ON YOU! If you don’t know her well and think, “Wait, what if she doesn’t like coffee?” Well, she can get a hot chocolate. Or a pumpkin muffin. Or a sandwich or scone or an iced tea. If you want to deliver something in person, a quick stop at the store for a Hallmark card with a gift card from her favorite coffee shop inside with an encouraging note from you will show love to her in a surprising and fantastic way. Of course, if you can, a $25 gift card will blow her away. She can get coffee for a week or whenever she feels like it for a few weeks! This is so simple, and so thoughtful and every single time I was cared for like this as a mom, I was so SO thankful.
2. Offer to take one of her kids out for a few hours. This is a hands-on alert. If you don’t know her well, don’t offer this. She might think you are creepy. But, if you are friends with her (meaning: she knows you are not creepy even if you aren’t best friends), offer to take three year-old little Johnny out for ice cream one afternoon. When I was a young mom, my friend Rachel, did this for me REGULARLY and it was SUCH a gift to me. My little three year old came home happy as can be, and I got a nice, long shower while the baby napped.
A quick note here: If you offer to take the older, easier child in the family if the mom has multiple children at home, you might be taking her help and this gesture won’t really help her. If Sally is good as gold and a great help to her mom, take Johnny. Ideally, take both that are home at the time if you can. But, if you take Sally because “she’s so easy and sweet as pie” and leave Johnny “because he’s a little terror”, then throwing back to the college kid meal we talked about being the best kind of blessing? Well, you’ve burnt it. Just think about it when you’re offering this. If it’s possible, take out one of the kids that might really give her a breather for a little while.
3. Buy her a one-time cleaning service. So let’s say you’ve got money, but no time. And germy kids scare you. Get her a gift certificate for a one-time cleaning service. Even if she is fortunate enough to already have a cleaning service that comes every other week or once a month, she can use it when she’s having a party or her in-law’s are coming to visit for a special one time cleaning. If you do this, you will give her something that will really help share her burden of trying to keep her house clean with little kids at home all day undoing all she’s trying to do. And, since strangers are doing the cleaning, she doesn’t have to worry that anyone she knows is seeing her messy bathroom that she’s so embarrassed about. If you’re really close with her and cleaning is your thing and you want to offer to clean her house for her while she naps, just pause and ask yourself if this really would help her or if she’ll be cleaning the house herself BEFORE you come to clean.
4. Take her carry-out. If she’s a single mom or her husband travels or often works late into the night, she is eating either drive-thru fast food a lot, or more likely frozen pizza at home. Text her early on a day you know her husband will be gone or you know she’s in a tough season and offer to drop off take out on your way home from work. She may have to reheat it, or eat it after the kids go to bed, but she will have a delicious meal and she will love it. Once she agrees, tell her you REALLY want to get her JUST what she wants, so tell her to be specific with her order. “Oh, just get me anything.” NO! Insist that she tell you exactly what she likes.
I want to caveat this here: Tell her early on that you’re not staying to visit, but just to drop off her dinner at her door and leave. But, that sounds so cold. I wanna visit if I’m there. See her new baby? Check out her new rug? This is NOT the time to visit. Her house may look like a tornado hit it, her son might have peed on the bathroom floor and dishes may be covering EVERY surface of her kitchen. If she feels like she has to clean up for you AT ALL, this drop off will stress her out and you’ve burnt the Sunday dinner. TELL HER ahead of time you are not coming in, but just wanna drop off dinner to her. Wanna visit? That’s great. Make that another time when she can plan ahead. This is not the time for you to visit. Period.
5. Give her and her husband a FREE date night. And, all of the moms with no family in town shouted “YES OMG YES!!!” This is such a great way to care for ANY mom, even if she has family around, but it is especially amazing to one who has no grandparents around to give her free babysitting. Ever.
And, be specific when you offer. “Can I watch the kids this Friday night – this Friday night or next – so you guys can have a date night?” Don’t leave it open ended and wait for her to come back to you and ask. She won’t. I promise, she won’t ever bring it up. Bug her until she settles on a specific night and time.
*Extra tip of awesomeness: Bring something fun for her kids to do with you that night. Coloring books and new crayons. A pack of playdoh. A tube of cookie dough to bake. My friend Rachel did this ALL THE TIME when she came to watch my kids. If you do this, she will be brought to tears knowing her littles are having so much fun. I guarantee it.
6. Give her some Trampoline park passes. Yes, they are germ infested. Yes, they are full of crazed children. But, kids love to go jump at these places, and an afternoon at one of these bounce house digs will wear her kids straight out and they might even sleep through the night afterwards for her. These places can get really expensive for a family, but if you have the money, this is a great way to give her kids an afternoon of fun and all DAD has to do is sit and watch them. Emphasis on Dad – since Mom will be home taking a shower. Or a nap! Bonus for you: You don’t have to go anywhere near the trampoline park.
7. Give her a gift card to a full-service car wash. When I was a young mom, I did have some friends who had clean minivans. But, I had more friends whose minivans were so messy, that it was just downright scary. THIS was MY minivan. Don’t judge us. We live in our cars. One-month old french fries, crayons, crushed saltines, ripped up pieces of paper (don’t ask) – these were covering the floor of my car. Being able to pull into a car wash place and have someone vacuum out, clean out and wash my car was SUCH a gift to me. Yes, I could do it at home. Not happening. And, if the young mama in your life happens to be one of those mamas with a sparkly clean van, she can gift it to one of her mama friends. My clean van mama friends? She’ll remember to take her Starbucks coffee cup inside and throw it away, unlike the rest of us. But if she drives a french fry, itty bitty bits of paper, crayon mobile like I always did, she will LOVE this thoughtful gift.
8. Send her a Target gift card. This is kind of like the coffee gift card in that if you want to give her something really meaningful, I don’t have a single friend who wouldn’t LOVE a Target gift card. She can use it on WHATEVER she wants. Isn’t that the beauty of Target? She can get groceries if it’s a tight month, a new lip gloss, socks for the kids, a new set of towels, or buy the mega-size bag of Peanut M&M’s that she would never buy otherwise. I don’t think this one takes much convincing – I mean, who doesn’t love a Target gift card?
9. Put flowers on her front porch. Mums and a pumpkin this time of year is PERFECT. You will make her day. Nothing says, “I care about you” like flowers for no reason at all. She will be reminded each time she pulls up IN HER SPARKLY CLEAN MINIVAN that you thought of her, that you care about her, and that she is not doing this thing alone. Being a young mom can feel and be SO lonely. There were days when I did not speak to one single adult. Was I surrounded by people? YES. Two and three year old tiny little nudists who didn’t talk in full sentences. Feeling like someone sees you in that season is SUCH a gift.
If you want to drop off flowers or a plant or pumpkins, try to drop them off when you know she’s not home so she doesn’t have a heart attack when she sees you pull up since Johnny just peed on the bathroom floor and she has dishes…well, you get it. And, don’t come in. Again, this is not a time to come in and visit if she happens to be home. Please trust me on this.
10. Give her that one special thing that says, “I listened.” Remember how you two were talking and she was telling you how she wishes she had one of those little mini whisks to stir her hot chocolate. Or how when you were at her house last, her favorite scented candle was almost gone. Get her that. That one little thing. The thing that tells her, “I listen when you’re talking to me. I care about you and what you say and what you love.” You will bring her to tears if a little whisk shows up in her mailbox from Amazon or her favorite candle from that swanky boutique she loves is sitting in a gift bag by her front door.
These are just ten simple and practical examples out of hundreds. Thousands. But, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had conversations with people and they’ve said, “I wish I could help so-and-so. I just don’t really wanna babysit, and well, I’m just not a kid person. I don’t know what to do.”
If you are her friend, if you are breathing, you can help her. You can bless her and care for her in a special way. You can use whatever means you want to use to love on your mama friends. Whether that’s your time or money or something as simple as a $5 gift card and a note, you can be a reflection of God’s love for her, help her feel seen and not alone, and YOU will receive the gift of being so good to someone who is being goodness to her kids day and night.